Husbands can seen awfully selfish to their pregnant wife during pregnancy. It’s not enough that you are creating the next human in your family, they still expect other things out of you as well.
Here are my top five tips after seeing THOUSANDS of pregnant couples and having felt my husband was pretty darn selfish during my own three pregnancies.
Before we get started, let me introduce myself. Hi, I’m Hilary — The Pregnancy Nurse 👩⚕️. I have been a nurse since 1997 and I have 20 years of OB nursing experience, I am also the curly head behind Pulling Curls and The Online Prenatal Class for Couples. 🩺 I have helped thousands of families navigate pregnancy together, during all types of stages. I have some quick tips for when husbands seem particularly selfish that I think you’ll enjoy.
Of course, my #1 tip is to take a CLASS together so that you’re on the same page for this pregnancy. Even if you feel like you’re “early” — now is a good time to plan to do the class together. It’s one of the most supportive things you can do for each other!
I also have an email series JUST for partners that might interest them:
Tips for Your Selfish Husband During Pregnancy:
It’s Hard on Him
I know, it’s hard to imagine how it could be hard on him during pregnancy, but the further away from having my own babies I am – I’ve started to look at dads in a new light.
To have this HUGE life changing thing going on and have ZERO control or really experience with it.
He doesn’t get to know the baby, or feel the baby, or really get that it’s all happening.
I almost feel like it’s an arranged marriage where he just shows up and takes this baby as his forever.
I know, it’s different, but remember Dads are going through a LOT of emotions and have no explainable reasons for them (like hormones).
Accept It’s Not Fair
Under no circumstances is this fair. You’re growing the human, he is not.
You honestly just have to accept that.
And frankly, now is the time to stop the game of “this isn’t fair”.
If you choose to breastfeed, you’re going to be feeding the baby while he can’t. And it is likely that your child will come to you for care tasks that you just are more adept at (and likely they’ll go to your husband for other things).
STOP the “fair” game. It just isn’t and it never will be (and that’s to say that sometimes your husband will do more than you in this parenting game).
What Do You Need?
Just tell them what you need.
You can’t expect them to read your mind…. for a few reasons:
- No one reads minds.
- Your mind is VERY different than it was pre-pregnancy, so essentially you’re just a different person now.
So, if you want your feet rubbed, you may need to tell him which lotion and how to rub. My husband sort of squeezes the bones of my feet together when he rubs them, which is super painful. So, I’ve just had to be really explicit about what I liked and what I didn’t like.
Just be truthful about what you need. And tell them that this isn’t to hurt his feelings, you want to be really clear about what you need as you’re growing a human — because you don’t want him to waste time guessing.
Form a Team
Pregnancy can feel VERY ALONE. You feel like you’re fighting a war or building something all alone.
But you 100% have a partner. They started all of this with you and they can help.
Form an alliance.
Share the good and the bad that’s going on, so they know.
Care about how work is going for them and see what types of worries he has.
You’re a team and you’ve never needed a teammate more than you do right now.
Get Prepared Together
Like I’ve said — your husband may have stresses and fears about pregnancy/delivery/newborn life that they don’t really have the words to talk through with you.
They may have ALL SORTS of questions they feel weird asking.
Which is why I recommend a class you can take together.
- Is created for couples just like you — and has couples questions to start all the great communication you two need!
- Can be done in just 3 hours if you want (husband can do just the 3 hours, and you can dive deeper into all the other resources that you have an interest in).
- It comes with a BEST PRICE Guarantee (and husbands love that one).
I love what Lindsey had to say:
“My husband & I LOVED Hilary’s course. It was so convenient to pull up whenever we wanted (even car rides!) and he especially appreciated the questions so we could go through this together. She is so knowledgeable yet concise – GREAT class!”Lindsey — a Recent Online Prenatal Class for Couples participant
I know, it’s just ONE more thing you have to do — but most couples find that class really fun to do, and it really helps prepare them to be on the same together. I hope we will see you in there!
Signs of Unsupportive Husband During Pregnancy
Here are my top five signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy:
- Isn’t supporting you in the choices that affect you an your body (while you are both the parent, your body is going through a lot for this baby already)
- Isn’t interested in concerns you have about the pregnancy — doesn’t want to talk about them.
- Isn’t willing to communicate with you over your pregnancy needs
- Isn’t willing to give financial support to you for the pregnancy
- Isn’t committed to your relationship as a married couple at this time
Yes, those are fairly vague — but you have to remember that you may SEE things as unsupportive (like, him picking work over coming to Dr’s Appts) when he really sees them as supportive — so make sure that you communicate (#3 in that list is so important) over how you see them — and be willing to see things from his side as well.
Unsupportive Husband during Pregnancy FAQ’s
it isn’t unusual for a pregnant woman to see a therapist or a counselor. Don’t expect your husband to have all the answers to all of your needs. You may need to recruit the village you need with professional help
Remember that you are going through a REALLY hard time and need to remember you see a lot more little things than you might have before. Let those go to work on the BIG things.
Totally valid and normal. But, I’m here to say that you thinking they’re not supportive enough during pregnancy does not make a break a good dad.
It is hard. The pregnancy is likely harder, and you both have more work to do taking care of #1 as well. Be sure to mention the things you loved that he did with your first pregnancy, and hopefully he’ll take the hint! Remember communicating is a great way to get your needs!
If you’re having a hard time with chores mention which ones you’d like to pass-off. BUT you need to be OK with how he does those chores, and it may not be the same way that you do those chores. And that is OK.
Taking a class together will help foster communication about the upcoming life events you will experience. I’d love to see you in The Online Prenatal Class for Couples.
And, if you’re not quite sure you’re ready for that whole thing, check out my free prenatal class. It’s your first step toward getting in the driver’s seat of your birth.
- About the Author
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A nurse since 1997, she has worked in various fields including pediatrics, geriatrics & hospice. She has 20 years of labor and delivery experience in the San Jose, CA and Phoenix, AZ areas.
As an evidence-based prenatal educator Hilary has delivered thousands of babies and has educated hundreds of thousands of parents from a diverse patient population to help them have a confident birth.