The fear of miscarriage or fetal loss is very normal during pregnancy. However, stressing about it too much can be bad for both you and baby. What are some things you can do to feel more confident and positive during your pregnancy — so that the fear doesn’t overwhelm you.
I am right there with you. After trying to get pregnant for 4 years with our last baby the fear of miscarriage or a loss would sometimes overwhelm me. This was definitely something I struggled with. It is very normal — but doesn’t mean it’s good!
Let me give you 5 things you can do to help your worries about miscarriage or fetal loss during your pregnancy:
A note on wording: This post is on ANY loss of pregnancy — no matter if you’re 4 weeks or 40 — a loss is a loss, and we’re all concerned the whole time. It’s called a few different things anymore, but you use the word that works for you!
Talk With Your Provider
If you feel like your fears are starting to take over your thoughts — talk with your provider.
They can provide you facts based on you and your circumstances, and may ease your mind a bit.
They can also see if maybe this is turning into generalized anxiety which might be helped with medication or therapy (huge therapy fan here). Anxiety in pregnancy often turns into anxiety postpartum (postpartum anxiety is possibly even more prevalent than postpartum depression, but no one seems to talk about it) — so you want to be aware of it.
It’s important your provider know about these things so they can help you the most!
Look at the Stats
I should first off say this is tricky. Because we “code” things differently — prior to 20 weeks we might call it a miscarriage and then after 20 weeks it would be considered a stillbirth (weeks seem to vary by state/country).
First off, miscarries do NOT happen in the majority of births. MOST people go on to have successful pregnancies.
We actually don’t know “firm” miscarriage numbers (because many occur when the person doesn’t even know they are pregnant). They think that it happens in about 10-20% of known pregnancies though.
Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/symptoms-causes/
That can still feel like way too many when you’re really hopeful for this pregnancy — and I get that, for sure!
It’s important to know that 80% of miscarriages happen before you enter your second trimester (so, before 12 weeks). Of course, that doesn’t make you feel any better if you’re prior to 12 weeks — but it does sort of give you a “goal” where you can “relax” a bit. Sometimes our minds do better when we have that.
Source: https://www.marchofdimes.org/find-support/topics/miscarriage-loss-grief/miscarriage
Once you hit your second trimester fetal movement can be a great indicator of baby’s well-being. That can always be comforting — and gives you something to “do” where you’ve felt sort of helpless before then.
Grab my kick count sheet here:
As you get closer to your due date, your risk of a stillbirth increases — which is thought to be due to the placenta aging. So, doing your kick counts, and talking with your provider as you pass your due date and considering an induction or testing (based off you and your risks) is important.
Source: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3719843/
Know Problem Signs
Next, talk with your provider about things you should be watching for at your stage in pregnancy.
Bleeding is always one of those things early in pregnancy. I have a whole post on if bleeding means you’re having a miscarriage.
Spoiler alert: Not always. But it is a sign you need to call your provider.
However, there may be things based on you and your pregnancy that you should be watching for and this is important information to get from your provider.
For instance: Some cramping can be normal, but you should ask your provider what amount is NOT good and what you should do if you’re feeling it. For some people this can be different based on their placenta, any previous issues etc.
If you’re later in pregnancy, I have a free prenatal class that goes over what signs should bring all people to either call their provider or into the hospital:
Stay Positive
I have to constantly remind myself that dwelling over possible poor outcomes will not make such an outcome easier. It literally just doubles the amount of pain that I could/would have. It also adds a lot of stress to my brain and my life.
I have to really work to have positive thoughts about my pregnancies and outcomes. I have some positive affirmations here (for both pregnancy & birth):
I also have to really methodically pick gratitude over fear every day. I keep a gratitude journal that reminds me how lucky I am and how MUCH is going right in my life. It helps my brain stay positive too.
A big shout out to birth workers/nurses right now. I knew WAY too much with my last baby and I was tormented by every poor outcome I ever saw. Again, not helpful at all. I wish I’d gotten therapy and maybe some coping techniques back then!
Get Prepared
I’ve talked a bit about how getting prepared for a poor outcome won’t help — but getting prepared for BIRTH can help.
Just being here, and following me is a great start, but after your first trimester I recommend people pick out a prenatal class (I recommend this one).
You might be thinking that seems like a lot of effort — but a prenatal class allows you to:
Save appointments for YOU and YOUR pregnancy (rather than all the little things to expect at the hospital that you can easily learn elsewhere) — remember providers only have so much time so prioritize questions about YOU.
Decrease anxiety. While some stressful events during pregnancy can be fine for you and baby, constant stress can be detrimental for both of you. The less stress you can have, the better! This class has proven to decrease anxiety by about 60%
Get your partner involved. A lot of your anxiety about this is likely shouldered by you, but it’s important that you’re both on the same page for birth and baby care. This class is a great way to do just that!
Envision the positive. Looking forward to a good outcome is a great feeling. In that class we’re going to talk about what delivery looks like and how magical it will be. From someone who’s felt that magic over a thousand times!
Obviously in addition you’re going to learn about communicating with your birth team, managing pain, getting ready to breastfeed and all that. It just has countless benefits.
Plus, if you want to grab it right now you can save 10% off using code PREPARED at checkout.
Most of all I want to remind you that the fear of this is very normal. Most women experience it (or ignore it and just don’t talk about it). Sometimes talking with friends who are pregnant or previously had a baby about how they felt reminds you that you’re not crazy. It’s normal.
You’re a mom, and you may already be in love with this baby (and if you’re not, that’s OK too). You’re in love with your future with them and the idea of losing them can haunt you.
Hopefully this post gave you some tools to avoid those haunting days and nights.
Are you worried about a miscarriage? Tell us in the comments. What do you find helps you?
- About the Author
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A nurse since 1997, she has worked in various fields including pediatrics, geriatrics & hospice. She has 20 years of labor and delivery experience in the San Jose, CA and Phoenix, AZ areas.
As an evidence-based prenatal educator Hilary has delivered thousands of babies and has educated hundreds of thousands of parents from a diverse patient population to help them have a confident birth.
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